Humorous?

Copied from Port Elizabeth PROBUS Newsletter
 INTERESTING AND LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 9 metres.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone! (and just love that pig)

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 Kangaroos and emus cannot walk backward easily and it is one of the reasons that they're on the Australian coat of arms to symbolise a nation moving forward. 

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Origin unknown and dated 12th May 2014

The following is fact unless proven otherwise.

On a lighter note of course!

1. Australia is as wide as the distance between London to Moscow.

2. The biggest property in Australia is bigger than Belgium.

3. More than 85% of Australians live within 50km of the coast.

4. In 1880, Melbourne was the richest city in the world.

5. Gina Rinehart, Australia's richest woman, earns $1 million every half hour, or $598 every second.

6. In 1892, a group of 200 Australians unhappy with the government tried to start an offshoot colony in Paraguay to be called 'New Australia'.

7. The first photos from the 1969 moon landing were beamed to the rest of the world from Honeysuckle Tracking Station, near Canberra.

8. Australia was the second country in the world to allow women to vote (New Zealand was first).

9. Each week, 70 tourists overstay their visas.

10. In 1856, stonemasons took action to ensure a standard of 8-hour working days, which then became recognised worldwide.

11. Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke set a world record for sculling 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. Hawke later suggested that this was the reason for his great political success.

12. The world's oldest fossil, which is about 3.4 billion years old, was found in Australia.

13. Australia is very sparsely populated: The UK has 248.25 persons per square kilometre, while Australia has only 2.66 persons per square kilometre.

14. Australia's first police force was made up of the most well-behaved convicts.

15. Australia has the highest electricity prices in the world.

16. There were over one million feral camels in outback Australia, until the government launched the $19m Feral Camel Management Program, which aims to keep the pest problem under control.

17. Saudi Arabia imports camels from Australia (mostly for meat production).

18. Qantas once powered an interstate flight with cooking oil.

19. Per capita, Australians spend more money on gambling than any other nation.

20. In 1832, 300 female convicts mooned the governor of Tasmania. It was said that in a "rare moment of collusion with the Convict women, the ladies in the Governor's party could not control their laughter."

21. Australia is home to the longest fence in the world. It is 5,614 km long, and was originally built to keep dingoes away from fertile land.

22. Australia was one of the founding members of the United Nations.

23. Melbourne is considered the sporting capital of the world, as it has more top level sport available for its citizens than anywhere else.

24. Before the arrival of humans, Australia was home to megafauna: three metre tall kangaroos, seven metre long goannas, horse-sized ducks, and a marsupial lion the size of a leopard.

25. Kangaroos and emus cannot walk backward, one of the reasons that they're on the Australian coat of arms.

26. Speaking of, Australia is one of the only countries where we eat the animals on our coat of arms.

27. If you visited one new beach in Australia every day, it would take over 27 years to see them all.

28. Melbourne has the world's largest Greek population outside of Athens.

29. The Great Barrier Reef is the planet's largest living structure.

30. And it has it's own post-box!

31. The male platypus has strong enough venom to kill a small dog.

32. And when the platypus was first sent to England, it was believed the Australians had played a joke by sewing the bill of a duck onto a rat.

33. Before 1902, it was illegal to swim at the beach during the day.

34. A retired cavalry officer, Francis De Groot stole the show when the Sydney Harbour Bridge officially opened. Just as the Premier was about to cut the ribbon, De Groot charged forward on his horse and cut it himself, with his sword. The ribbon had to be retied, and De Groot was carted off to a mental hospital. He was later charged for the cost of one ribbon.

35. Australia has 3.3x more sheep than people.

36. Prime Minister Harold Holt went for a swim at Cheviot Beach, and was never seen again.

37. Australia's national anthem was 'God Save The King/Queen' until 1984.

38. Wombat poop is cube shaped! This helps it mark its territory.

39. European settlers in Australia drank more alcohol per capita than any other society in history.

40. The Australian Alps receive more snowfall than Switzerland.

41. A kangaroo is only one centimetre long when it is born.

42. Sir John Robertson, a five-time premier of NSW in the 1800s, began every morning with half a pint of rum. He said: "None of the men who in this country have left footprints behind them have been cold water men."

43. The Box jellyfish has killed more people in Australia than stonefish, sharks and crocodiles combined.

44. Tasmania has the cleanest air in the world.

45. The average Aussie drinks 96 litres of beer per year.

46. 63% of Australians are overweight.

47. Australia is ranked second on the Human Development Index (based on life expectancy, income and education).

48. In 2005, security guards at Canberra's Parliament House were banned from calling people 'mate'. It lasted one day.

49. In Australia, it is illegal to walk on the right-hand side of a footpath.

50. Australia is the only continent in the world without an active volcano.

51. Aussie Rules footy was originally designed to help cricketers to keep fit in the off-season.

52. The name 'Kylie' came from an Aboriginal hunting stick, similar to the boomerang.

53. 91% of the country is covered by native vegetation.

54. The largest-ever victory in an international football match was when Australia beat American Samoa 31-0 in 2001.

55. There are 60 designated wine regions in Australia.

56. Melbourne has been ranked the world's most liveable city for the past three years.

57. If all the sails of the Opera House roof were combined, they would create a perfect sphere. The architect was inspired while eating an orange.

58. Australia is home to 20% of the world's poker machines.

59. Half of these are found in New South Wales.

60. Moomba, Australia's largest free festival, held in Melbourne, means 'up your bum' in many Aboriginal languages.

61. No native Australian animals have hooves.

62. The performance by the Sydney Symphony Orchestra at the 2000 Olympics opening ceremony was actually a prerecording- of the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra.

63. The wine cask (goon sack) is an Australian invention

64. So is the selfie.

65. Durack, Australia's biggest electorate, is larger in size than Mongolia.

66. The world's first compulsory seat belt law was put into place in Victoria in 1970.

67. Each year, Brisbane hosts the world championships of cockroach racing.

68. In 1932, the Australian military waged war on the emu population of Western Australia. Embarrassingly, they lost.

69. Canberra was created in 1908 as a compromise when Sydney and Melbourne both wanted to be the capital city.

70. A gay bar in Melbourne won the right to ban women from the premises, because they made the men uncomfortable.

71. In 1992, an Australian gambling syndicate bought almost all the number combinations in a Virginia lottery, and won. They turned a $5m purchase into a $27m win.

72. Eucalyptus oil is highly flammable, meaning gum trees may explode if ignited, or in bushfires.

73. In 1975, Australia had a government shutdown, which ended with the Queen firing everyone and the government starting again.

74. A bearded Australian was removed from a darts match in the UK, after the audience started chanting 'Jesus!' at him, distracting the players.

75. There have been instances of wallabies getting high after breaking into opium crops, then running around and making what look like crop circles.

76. An Australian man once tried to sell New Zealand on eBay.

77. In 1940, two aircraft collided in mid-air, in NSW. Instead of crashing, the two planes became stuck together and made a safe landing.

78. The male lyrebird, which is native to Australia, can mimic the calls of over 20 other birds. If that's not impressive enough, he can also perfectly imitate the sound of a camera, chainsaw and car alarm.

79. Some shopping centres and restaurants play classical music in their car park to deter teenagers from loitering at night.

80. Despite sharing the same verbal language, Australian, British and American sign language are all completely different languages.

81. In 1979, debris from NASA's space station 'Skylab' crashed in Esperance, WA. The town then fined NASA $400 for littering.

82. There have been no deaths in Australia from a spider bite since 1979.

83. There currently a chlamydia outbreak among koala species, which has led to a 15% drop in koala populations.

84. In NSW, there is a coal fire beneath the ground which has been burning for 5,500 years.

85. An Australian election TV debate was rescheduled so it didn't conflict with the finale of reality cooking show Masterchef.

86. Chinese explorers travelled to Australia long before Europeans arrived. As early as the 1400s, sailors and fisherman came to Australia for sea-cucumbers and to trade with Indigenous peoples.

87. The first European to visit Australia was Dutch explorer Willem Janszoon, in 1606. More Dutch explorers visited the country over the next hundred years, plotting maps and naming it 'New Holland'.

88. Captain James Cook first landed on Australia's east coast in 1770. In 1788, the British returned with eleven ships to establish a penal colony. Within days of The First Fleet's arrival and the raising of the British flag, two French ships arrived, just too late to claim Australia for France.

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Subject: HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, IN ACCORDANCE WITH BIBLICAL TEACHINGS

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, IN ACCORDANCE WITH  BIBLICAL TEACHINGS

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.   They will lie to you.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader  by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg  Indeed, she was therefore often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the  towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot  have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to  transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new  riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only  with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide  to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.
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 It has already been said!

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, and two or more is a government. -   John  Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.   -    Mark  Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government.  But then I repeat myself.  -    Mark Twain

I  contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -     Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -    George Bernard  Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -    Douglas Casey,  Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage  boys. -      P.J. O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
      Frederic  Bastiat,  French economist(1801-1850) 
 
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. 
    Will Rogers
 
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!  -       P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.  -    Voltaire (1764) -
 

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -        Pericles (430  B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
      Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.
       Anonymous

The government is like a  baby's elementary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -       Ronald Reagan
 
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -       Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
      Edward Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)

A  government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.   -       Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -

      Aesop
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Black Friday?
Black Friday was initiated in the United States as the day after Thanksgiving day as a marketing ploy for retailers.  Does this suggest that only blacks can shop? Don't be misled judging by the hype everyone can and may shop where many special deals are available!

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SPIN, THE AUSTRALIAN WAY - Posted 28 June 2016

Remus Rudd

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things. 
Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Kevin Rudd

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.  

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.
    Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.



 Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad..

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
 
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW That's how it's done, Folks!
That's real POLITICAL SPIN. -------------------------ooOoo------------------------------

Could not resist posting this one. -19th March 2016
(Please also read the follow up comment from "The Australian" newspaper)

Stupid Question ... Excellent Answer

General Cosgrove

Sir Peter John Cosgrove, AK , MC

(born 28 July 1947) is a retired senior Australian Army

officer and the 26th and current Governor-General of Australia. He was sworn in on 28 March 2015, and made a 

 Knight of the Order of Australia

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

What follows is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're well equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 

Leigh Sales

LEIGH SALES
  The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
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READ ON!

A CRUDE hoax about gun control involving former chief of the Defence Force Peter Cosgrove and an ABC reporter has gone viral, with many social media users applauding without realising it is a complete concoction.
Since President Barack Obama began his fight to toughen gun laws in the US, more than 18,000 Facebook members have shared what appears to be a transcript of an interview between General Cosgrove and an unnamed female journalist discussing a Boy Scout trip to "military headquarters".
In it, a man purported to be General Cosgrove says he will teach the boys how to shoot guns with "proper rifle discipline".
The female interviewer responds: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." The purported General Cosgrove finishes the interview by stating: "Well, ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" There is no mention that the interview, which can also be found on Twitter and online blogs, is a fabrication.
One Facebook user commented: "Need to read this article, his reply is funny and smart", while another writes "Leave it to an Aussie to get right to the meat of the matter".
Contacted by The Australian, General Cosgrove said the joke had been flaring up for four or five years but getting rid of it was like "catching smoke . . . It is almost like a tennis ball rocketing around the place. You think it's had its go and when anybody mentions it to me I say, 'I don't talk like that', and then it goes away. I've never even attempted to get it off the net or anything, how do you do that?"
He said the joke was of "dubious taste" and in no way examined or illuminated the very serious issue of gun control.
"I think we're lucky to live in this country where we have a much more rigorous approach to the ready availability and potential misuse of firearms," he said.
"Ninety-nine soldiers out of 100 think that away. We're trained to use weapons, we know how destructive they are and how the lack of maturity, discipline and judgment in the use of firearms can result in great tragedy."
Gustaf Sorman-Nilsson, head of audit at social media agency SR7, said hoaxes were a "huge problem" and placed increasing pressure on companies and individuals to monitor online sites.
"Social media has largely democratised information but it doesn't mean the information is correct," Sorman-Nilsson said.
General Cosgrove concluded: "It's just a sad reality of the information age."